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The Last Page
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On January 4th, 2012, we lost Lara with
exactly fifteen minutes notice. Last Friday, we mourned the one-year anniversary of her passing. For me, it would be nice to record that there was something magical or restorative
about the one year anniversary. Unfortunately, such is not the case. January 4th, 2013 was just a date on the calendar... Closure has not come. Grief has not become a falling
leaf at the dawining of the day. Since January 4th, 2012, i have just sort of been wandering around bumping into things. Life continues to be
difficult and chaotic, but every day, I make the decision to get out of bed, carry on, and pursue my career. None of
that is possible without my support network. To Lara's family: Yours is a loss that I cannot comprehend, and I can only marvel at your strength
and perserverence. I am so grateful that you chose to adopt me in the wake of Lara's passing. Thank you for making
me part of your family. I love you, I will aways be grateful, and I will always be here for you. To reiterate
a promise I made on the night of Lara's passing: No matter what direction my life takes me, you will always be part
of it. To Lara's closest
friends: In some ways I can relate to your loss, in other ways, it's very different from mine. You have my utmost
sympathy and I will always be here for you. And, at the same time, thank you for admitting me into your circle of friends,
and thank you for looking after me. As I get to know each of you, I come to understand what a great person Lara was
in relation to each of you. Thank you for keeping her memory alive within your hearts. To my two best friends who put themselves at considerable
risk to make sure I was safe at a crucial moment: There are no "thanks you's" big enough. I am so grateful to
have such wonderful guys as friends. Thank you (and your S.O.'s) for continuing to look after me. I love you guys. To the friend who showed
up out of left field: I didn't see you coming, but I'm glad you did. Lara would have loved you, and I'm sorry
you didn't get to meet her. Thank you for looking after me. You need, you ask, you get. Period. To my total circle of friends: My friends have
always been a wealth of selection, not accumulation. You have all proven to be people of superlative character, great
kindness, and tactful strength. Without you, I would most certainly be face down in a pool of incapacitating grief somewhere. To everyone I volunteer
with at Rogers TV Durham Mobile Productions: I have always tried to provide some measure of guidance and mentorship
as a way of giving back to a profession that has treated me so well. Well, I'm guessing I must have been doing something
right over the past five years, as your en masse attendance at Lara's funeral (even those of you who never met her)-- and
the support all of you have been in the year since-- is truly awe-inspiring. Thanks, and talk to you on headset at the
next Mobile production. To
my colleagues at the CBC: When I look back on what I have achieved in the last year, I cannot help but be grateful for
the support, help and guidance you have all provided, both before and since Lara's passing. She would have been so proud
of what I have achieved. Many thanks, and I promise to continue to be worthy of your investments. To the good people at "Four Weddings Canada": You
guys are the best. The biggest deal of my life was being married to Lara. Working on the show at other people's
weddings was at once cathartic and painful, but I got through thanks to the support of the amazing bunch of crew and producers.
The experience made me appreciate how great our wedding was and how much I loved the day-to-day of being married to
someone as wonderful as Lara. I look forward to working with all of you again. To those who never met Lara, but only know her through what I have
told you about her: It's all true. She was-- and continues to be-- all that and a glass of Rothchild Cabernet
Sauvingnon. Seriously. She had no natural enemies, not a mean bone in her body, and their was no reason to object
to or dislike her. Children and small animals were drawn to her. She was a rare gem. But you knew that already,
because I have told you that many times in many ways. I'm sorry you never got to meet such a unique and truly awesome
person. May you never grow weary of me going on about her. To SmokeyBob: (speaking of small animals that were drawn to her) I know that
when you made the decision to show up at our house and join our little family in 2006, it was Lara you were here to look after
at an unpleasant time in her life. Now that she is gone, thank you for looking after me the way you looked after her.
You keep me semi-grounded, semi-disciplined, and give me a reason to stay responsive and responsible. To my grief counsellor: I knew straight away that
I was going to need serious professional help. Thank you for providing structure, guidance, and a safe environment for
grief, catharsis, and healing. To the Toronto chapter of Bereaved Families of Ontario: I realize that it's The Club That Nobody Wants To Belong
To, but at this time, I'm glad that I am a member. You are all lovely people that I wish I had met under less awful
circumstances. Thank you to those who grieved before me, as the sharing of your experiences has helped in ways that
I could never imagine. I only hope that I can be as much help to those who come along in the future. To the person I have not yet met: Give a quick
and silent prayer of thanks to Lara. However much of a great guy you think I am, it's because I did a ton of work--
everyday-- to be the great guy that she deserved. They say that the second wife gets the benefit of all the hard work
that the first wife did to civilize the man. This is more true than you can ever know. To those I haven't heard from since Lara's passing:
Don't worry; I wouldn't know what to say to me, either. I promise it won't be awkward if you give me a call so
I can go on about how great she was and how "not very well" I am doing right now. I have always made a point of being as selfless as possible. I'm
sorry but right now, I'm not in charge, the grief is, and I have to be selfish to get through this. I was under the
illusion that I was doing better this past autumn, but in December I collapsed more or less back to Square One. The
good news is that I am not doing worse than I was at any point in 2012, and there is no need for an intervention. For
the moment it's one day at a time, take life as I find it, onwards and upwards..., yadda yadda yadda, (insert cliche here),
and if I'm in trouble? Believe you me, you'll hear from me.... And finally, to Lara: I think back to August of 1992 when I saw your profile
picture on ICQ.com, thought: "right on....", and hit "send", how it led to a first date consisting of coffee at Starbuck's,
glow-in-the-dark mini-golf at The Putting Edge and making out in the front seat of a 1992 Ford Taurus, and how much my life
has been changed for the better since then. You were my partner, my muse, my best friend, my advisor, my fixed star,
my anchor, my co-pilot and navigator, and my love. We had a shit-load of fun during the seven-and-a-half years of our
marriage, and those memories sustain me to this day. You told me about Marfan Syndrome and its implications on our third
date. Even knowing what I know now, I would have still signed up and not changed or regretted a single thing. When
someone like you comes along, it's a total no-brainer, you marry her no questions asked. I can never forget you, nor
would I want to. Not a moment goes by when I am not thinking of you, and most of my day-to-day decision-making is informed
by "what would Lara want for me in this situation?". And, I promise that I will move on with my life, but I can't honestly
tell you when that will happen. I'm workin' on it.... Everyone, please stand by. I am still waiting for Mike v2.0 to emerge. Thank you for your
patience, and for everything else. Peace, Love, Joy, Hugs, and Hi-Fives, Michael |
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An
obituary for my friend Lara....and a love story. To those who read my
little efforts, this next note is one I have had rumbling around in my brain as I haven't been on Facebook much for VERY good
reasons. One of my best friends contacted me Wednesday to tell me his wife was in the hospital. Knowing Michael and his love
for his wife Lara, I knew this was serious, and he needed to know I was there with him even though I couldn't leave work at
that second and head to Mississauga from Oshawa. As the day's events went on, the roller coaster of emotion began to roll.
She was slated for emergency heart surgery and at one point, Michael thought she would make it, but in the end, she did not.
She suffered from a syndrome that basically gave her a weak heart. Well physically anyhow...but not in any other sense. To know the impact of
this horrible day, we must go back a few years....about 9 years ago. Michael, one of the most loyal and steadfast friends
a man can have, was always the one guy who didn't have much luck with girlfriends. Being as intelligent and ethical as he
is, his pride and quirky sense of self didn't always translate well and he was extremely careful to associate himself with
women who had ...the right stuff? I guess you could say Mike didn't go for shallow and flighty, he wanted to settle into a
relationship with someone who would make him a better person, and in turn, he could be unconditionally loving with. To those
of us close to Mike, we all wanted him to find someone. Who doesn't want their bud to find a soul mate? A lid for every pot
right? Except his pot was a weird shape and it would have to be one heck of a lid! Well one day, he phones
me up and says he is coming over with his new girlfriend. I knew he had met someone online (a boon to those of us who think
meeting mates is hard) and had been talking to her, but I knew I wouldn't see her until he was sure she was for real. Well
she was for real alright. When they arrived for dinner, I was greeted by this tall and striking woman who had a shy smile
and a quick wit. Lara Gunter.... Lara to me was one of the smartest and yet most humble people I have ever met, and ever will
meet. Lara was (I despair at having to say “was”; I would give my right arm to have her standing before me now)
someone you just had to like. Oh it wasn't a sudden thing...it was this curious intellect, this easy sense of humour, a wit....
and grace. Lara had grace.... tons of it. Something Mike will freely admit he doesn't sometimes have. Lara also was I could
tell deeply falling for my friend Michael. THAT was obvious too. I knew that for sure
after dinner when out of the blue, she says to me, right there in front of everyone "So Mark, tell me what you think I should
know about Michael?" Boom. To me this was a lightning bolt. I mean how do you answer that? How do you say something to that?
She wants pure honesty, and it is obvious, and you have to carefully sell your friend Mike's assets while admitting yes, he
is a quirky and unusual fellow that up until now most women never understood......and then I realized she already did understand
him. She did get him I suspect probably in ways I will never know. I am not sure on my exact words but I said you couldn't
ask for a better man but he had some quirks...and we all laughed...because it is true. After they left, Dawn (my soul mate)
told me that she really liked Lara and you could see the effect on Michael. We all could. so it was no surprise that after
a long and fruitful courtship (these two never rushed anything) they got married. May long weekend the day before my birthday.
I guess that is so if Mike ever lost his mind, I could remind him of his anniversary!!! It was one of the most charming and
fun weddings I have ever been in. It was however at this wedding, I learned that some day I might have to face what we faced
last Wednesday. Lara's father, with
great love and yet honesty told the story of his miracle child. Lara was born 3 months premature at a time when babies didn't
survive being born that early. She also nearly left us before she ever had a chance to meet Michael with a heart issue while
in her 20's. I didn't know it at the time, but I do now. Marfan's syndrome. For those who really want to know what it is you
must look it up, but essentially that heart and more importantly its aorta is a ticking timebomb. I didn't know about Marfan's
that wedding day, but from everything Mike was willing to tell me as time went on, I knew eventually what it was, and that
it was a possibility. However, this didn't stop Michael and more importantly Lara from living fulfilling lives. Lara found
with Mike's support the job she always dreamed of and an employer that appreciated her; and Mike went from strength to strength
in his career. She was always his champion, his anchor, his place of refuge. I often chided Mike about taking Lara away for
a week. Give her a good holiday I said. She had convinced Mike to like golf, something I could never do (points to you, Lara. I tried for years and never got him past Mark Twain's great line "A good walk spoiled")
and I told Mike he should just take Lara to South Carolina in the fall and play some nice courses in Myrtle Beach, eat some
good food and walk on the beach. However, that wasn't what they wanted. I see now that every time they were together, they
made the most of it. They didn't need to run away. They found bliss with each other just watching a movie, or walking by the
lake, or cuddling on the couch with their feline buddy Smokey Bob. They found in each other what most of us try to find every
day with their spouse, or in their life and often fail. They found happiness, and contentment with each other. Mike's trips
on business didn't change that. Knowing he had Lara waiting for him at home kept him grounded and focussed on his other passion
of making television. Lara I think was for me his saviour and her influence on Michael proves once again behind every great
man, there is a woman who helped him get there. Lara Cole was my friend
and someone I loved as a friend dearly, not for what she did for me, but what she did for my friend Michael. Her physically
weak heart was compensated for by her tremendously compassionate and kind metaphorical one. She was to me someone I worried
about because I knew that her effect on my friend Michael was so great that when the inevitable happened, it would be tragic,
and it is. I know that it must be said Michael didn't do what a lot of men would do or would want to do. He didn't find about
her condition and run from it. This love and support for Lara was made stronger from it. Michael is one of the bravest guys
I know because he doesn't run from the fight, he sacrificed himself and his needs to ensure his wife had every chance of beating
the odds, ensuring that she could fight this. As she was leaving him for the operation, she gave him that look that told him
she had every intention of surviving this. She never wanted to burden him I suspect with any of this and she never doubted
his love for her and was brave in the process. So Lara Cole is not
just a name in the obits in The Star, or just a random woman who passed through my circle of friends. Lara Cole was an angel.
Is one now I am thinking... She is survived by Michael
and Smokey Bob, her terrific parents Paul and Jean Gunter who are dearly missing her. No parent ever wants to bury their child,
and I know this from losing my brother and seeing the effect it has on my parents. They knew most of all how special Lara
was and she is a reflection of both of them. She also is survived by her brother Eric and his family; his wife Marina, daughter
Chloe,and sons Kyle and Max. That family is pretty unique and it is clear how the kids and Eric remind me of Lara. She also
has left a hole from the lives of Mike's family, his mom Carol, and the Lockwoods; Bill, Jeff, Roanne and young Connor. Lara
also leaves very loyal and wonderful ladies behind as her friends, Dana, Ann-Marie and Rita. All wonderful, compassionate
and intelligent women who reflected that grace and intelligence that Lara had. Lara's friends are many and loyal, and now
all very sad. All of us brothers' from another Mother that have been Mike's support are equally shattered....as are our wives.
This love story did have a sad ending yes...but it also teaches us the value of love and compassion, and the meaning of true
love. I am sorry Lara Cole is not with us in reality, but her spirit has changed me personally...and everyone who took the
time to know and love her. Love your family, love your spouse, learn to enjoy life....that is a message that we hear but often
forget,but Lara's life drives that message home. Take the time to tell
someone you loved them. Mike and Lara ALWAYS did.....and she left this earth knowing she was loved. It is better to love someone
for a limited life than to live without true love at all........ Mark
Little, in his Facebook Notes, Sunday, January 8th, 2012. |
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